ALRIGHT... I'M READY! ARE YOU?

Hello Everyone,

I have been avoiding this for many reasons but I think it will help, so here I am and I am going to lay it all out there. This is going to be long, too honest, and maybe boring. :)

I don't want to hear about how I'm not "fat" or "obese" from anybody, because guess what?! I AM! I'm not crazy either:) Do I think of myself as huge? No. I just don't feel exactly comfortable with my weight or the way that my body is holding my weight, which to me, means fat. As for the obese part, I am medically considered obese. I have been since Junior High and I am DONE with the title. I don't want to go into a doctor for an issue and have them bring up "oh, well maybe if you lost weight it would get better." I am 5.6 which puts me in the range for needing to be somewhere between 125ish - 155ish.I stepped on the scale Monday morning... 175.8(Monday will be my weigh in day because I ALWAYS want to cheat on the weekends and will be more likely not to, knowing that I am stepping on the scale sooner than later)


Here is my story:

I was always stick skinny, I wouldn't eat anything and my Mom HATED it! (i'm sure most of you moms know about that) Junior high I started eating,I loved it, food became my friend,and so I ate, all the time, I gained weight and steadily did til my junior year. I got on the dance team and slimmed down from dancing almost everyday. I was 175 for several years and figured it was where my body was comfortable. Just fooling myself! I was 185 when we were married. I started learning to cook, my favorite things to make, well pretty much everything that is terrible for you. Lots of butter and cream... NEVER GOOD! (You now know why my poor husband gained 100 pounds our first year of marriage.) I had reached 198. I promised myself I would never reach 200, so I was lying to myself thinking I would sit just under it. I wasn't happy at 175, I certainly wasn't happy with 198. Well 200 came and I HATED it. I couldn't wear anything I owned at that point.
I'm sort of a "pro" at hiding the parts I can't stand. Its quite sad actually! No one ever sees me in a sleeve shorter than a few inches above my elbows, because I hate hate HATE the dimples in my arms. I have found just the right materials that won't show anything that I don't want seen. I know every cut/style/print and which will make me look thinner or larger. sad huh? Well, when I hit 200 I started buying maternity type shirts and I was no longer fitting into jeans that I could buy at my favorite stores. They didn't have my new size. I could cry right now for how that made me feel.(fAT JEANS ABOVE IN PIC-ALREADY SAID TA-TA:) Well not too long after I hit 200, I got pregnant. I was so scared that I was going to gain gain gain. Well as most of you know, instead, I was puking all day everyday for 6 months. This was horrible, the worst I have ever felt but I don't know what I would have done if I would have gained 30 pounds rather than lost it. Is that horrible to think? I reached 202 the week before Brigg came and when he was several weeks old I was at 163. Everyone was always telling me how skinny I was, but it didn't make me feel good. It made me feel sick. I didn't work for it, it just happened because I was sick, that is not something to be proud of. People are supposed work their butts off for that kind of complement (like Mom:)
163 came and went, fast. I got up to 187 and started weight watchers a few months ago. I got down to 170 and just felt like it was just not coming off fast enough (1-2 pounds a week) even though I saw and felt results, I gave up. Stupid me, if I would have kept with it I would now be no longer "obese." I don't have THAT much to lose. But it is still very hard for me. I like to eat just like anybody else. I eat when I get bored, when I am sad, when I am thirsty, and just about any other time. I don't have self control, so I have to train for it. I want to be healthy, have self control, and feel good in every way! I can't wait to feel confident and be able to wear pretty much whatever I want because I love every bit of myself. I know this is going to be hard but it will pay off in the end.

One day I was listening to the news and they were making fun of this model. she had said "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I'm sure her definition of skinny is different from mine, which is why they were making fun of her. But I told myself that when I was feeling tempted, and it helped. I gave up when I stopped reminding myself. This might be stupid, but I think I'm going to put it up somewhere to keep myself accountable because I know it has got to be true. I always feel the best when I am doing what is right for my body and losing the LB's.
I love you all and I'm excited to be on this journey with you all. Thank you for all the support I know I am going to get:D Sorry for being so drawn out and brutally honest, I haven't even admitted most of this stuff to myself till now!

Goals:
My goal is 2 pounds a week.
Short term goal: 160
Long term: I'm not sure yet. but somewhere inbetween 130 and 153.
I'll be doing weight watchers, because if its followed, we all know it works.
Exercising at least 5 days a week, mixing it up alot.

Good luck,
Megan